I LOVE YOU
this is me like 90% of the time
I think for me, it was a mixture of the admiration I had felt, and the fact that I was in a bad place in my life. I felt that my responsibility was not towards anyone but myself, and it is up to Alex to decide whether or not it was worth it to sacrifice his relationship with her for that. I was already aware that he had cheated on her a lot before, and while that doesn’t justify me doing that, it felt to me as if their relationship was going down the drain anyway. That was what I had heard anyway, from friends of his.
My thinking was pretty much that since I was not friends with Carrie, I had no responsibility when it came to their relationship - something I still agree with a little bit, but I am not as convinced as I used to be.
I didn’t do it because I am a malicious bitch who doesn’t care for other people’s feelings, but rather, I did it because I was so focused on making myself feel better that I put my own feelings first hand, which I justified because, again, I felt as if I didn’t have any responsibility towards their relationship.
Today, I realize that while I am still not in a good place, I have grown up so much since these things happened, and managed to understand why my behavior was out of line. That’s the thing about being a teenager - even if you think you’ve grown up, and that you’re mature enough to handle anything thrown at you, you may not be.
I am truly sorry for what I put Carrie through, because even though I don’t know her, she seems like a truly genuine and lovely person, and I wish her all the best.
What Is Consent?
Lex is, as always, amazing.
Trigger warning: Sex, adultery, manipulation, rape
They are not geniuses. They are not talented beyond human abilities. They are humans, who have become good at what they do, through education and practice, and because of that, have gained an internet following. That in itself is pretty impressive, I’ve got to give you that, and no one wants to take that away from them. What we have to do though, is understand why this can be damaging, not only for their fans, but for themselves. A lot of times, receiving unlimited amounts of praise, can lead to an enlargement of the ego. A severe deformity that makes them think that they can do whatever they want to their fans, because they are SO adored and SO looked up to, that they are entitled to whatever kind of fucked up behavior they want.
I wanted to come forward with my experiences regarding this whole thing, and to make it clear before anyone starts reading, I was not abused by Alex. His manipulation of others had an impact on me, but he didn’t actually do anything to me that I didn’t, at least at the time, thought I wanted.
I was a fangirl for years. YEARS. I adored him so much, I thought he was literally the smartest, funniest and cutest guy to ever walk to face of the earth. I started getting friends in the YouTube sphere, and we had friends in common. Me and Alex were never friends, just acquaintances, and after that one time we slept together, he never talked to me again, until him and Carrie broke up last spring. When, like four years after I had started watching Alex’s videos, when we met and actually hung out, and I realized that this could potentially go somewhere, I figured that I might as well. I was in a very bad place, and I did whatever I could to bring pleasure to my own situation, even if it only lasted for a short while. I made a bad choice, and I do regret. But again. Years of adoring this man. YEARS.
He kissed me when Carrie was in the other room.
Any way, a few months later, Carrie found out about this, and as far as I know, I am the initial reason that Carrie and Alex broke up. And I have lost more than one good friend over this fact. Because I was the bad guy for sleeping with him. Not him, for cheating over and over and over. His friends stuck with him, did not tell his girlfriend about it even though they knew, and cut me out of their lives. And somehow, I was STILL the bad guy. If that is not a sign of how good he is at manipulating people, then I don’t know what is. I was never friends with Carrie, and I get that she hates me, I would too, but what I don’t get is how others hate me, and not him. Others hate me for hurting her, but they never questioned their love for him.
Other YouTube guys
I am not comfortable with naming names here, so I wont, but I have on more than one occasion had undesirable contact with guys from the YouTube Hall of Fame. Once when I was drunk and lying in bed with someone (we had slept together earlier, but this night I had no intention, and there was no other place for me to sleep) he started touching me. For a long time. And I was just laying still, pretending to be asleep. After a while, he asked me “Is this not wanted?” I didn’t answer. He kept going. We ended up having sex that night because I was drunk and didn’t have enough power in me to go into why I didn’t want to and have to sleep on the couch. Was that rape? I don’t know.
I have more than once been a victim of the “Wow, you are absolutely beautiful in real life.” And fallen for it. Because during my teenage years, I was a fucking wreck when it comes to self esteem (and I still am). I sucked every fucking compliment up like a fucking sponge. And it put me in less than desirable situations. Many times. I have met guys from YouTube who are perfectly lovely and normal and have had flirts or relationships with them that have been completely healthy. But from what I can gather, that is less common than I thought.
And that’s why I really, REALLY want people to understand how harmful this kind of culture is. How much damage they can do, even if they don’t know that they’re doing it. Writing this is clearly not easy for me, and if you want to send me hate for it, go ahead.